


The world's biggest coward

by cow_cookies



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, F/M, First Kiss, Hawkeye's POV, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8528944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cow_cookies/pseuds/cow_cookies
Summary: He couldn’t stop himself from touching her cheek but as soon as he did so, her head lolled to the side, her eyes remaining closed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever, so please don't kill me. Thanks to mianmaru for betaing. Comments and Kudos are love.

He was pacing around the compound, restless, scared and highly confused. ‘The Incident’ was overtaking any other thoughts.

 

He shook his head and tried to recall ‘The Incident’, as he refered to it, in all its depth.

 

***

 

Earlier that day he went to the blonde’s tent, checking on her because he could tell something was wrong. As always, she didn't lower her defences at first but this time she didn’t even consider it. She demanded to be fine, smiling at him and thanking him for checking on her. That was definitely not as suspected and it was alarming but obviously there was no possibility to get through to her and maybe she really was fine.

 

So he left.

 

***

 

_She was so stubborn! Hell, why hadn't he seen that coming? Was he supposed to know this would happen? It wasn’t his fault, was it?_

 

_Of Cause it was! He should have been honest to her a long time ago and now it might be too late._

 

_Well played Pierce, well played._

 

His mind was restlessly spinning around, recalling things he could have done better. But again, he focused on ‘the incident’.

 

***

 

The day went by and he didn’t see nor hear her. He was wondering what this all was about but as long as she wouldn’t talk to him, he wasn’t able to help.

_‘That’s enough!’_

he thought around lunchtime and went back to her tent,

 _‘she will talk to me, if she wants to or not!’_.

First knock. Nothing. Second knock. Still nothing. “C'mon, let me in Margaret!” Again nothing. He entered the tent. It was empty. Surprised he looked around to find any clue where she had gone. But there was nothing at all, either.

Luckily, he had time to stroll around and look for her.

 

After half an hour, he found her lying on a blanket near the mine field. Her favorit spot. He mentally kicked himself for not looking here in the first.

He walked over taking a seat next to her on the blanket. “You don’t mind, if I join you?”. No answer. He took it as a ‘no’ and lowered himself down next to her, propped up on one elbow, watching the mountains. “Nice day, so warm.” Still no answer. “I really enjoy your company. But could you stop talking, I can’t hear the shellfire.” Nothing. Now he eyed her suspiciously,

 _‘God, she was beautiful, closed eyes, sun on her face’_.

He couldn’t stop himself from touching her cheek but as soon as he did so, her head lolled to the side, her eyes remaining closed.

“Margaret...MARGARET…!” he jumped to his knees, searching for her pulse.

_‘Thank god, there it is, low but...’_

 

Carrying her, he ran into the compound. “HELP!... BEEJ!... ANYONE!”. Soon she was moved in the post-op and he was ordered out of the room by Potter after telling him what happened.

_‘Not able to help her. Pah! that old fool. Too emotionally involved. Of course! No one knew what had happened to her and now his love…’_

He left at once without any protest.

 

***

 

_Why wasn’t he allowed to be in there? Running around here doesn't help her either even if he is too emotionally involved. If he had just found her earlier, if he hadn’t just wasted time by trying to chat with her._

 

And this time he had to focus on ‘The Incident’, so he wouldn’t fucking lose it.

 

***

 

While pacing around in front of the doors to post-op, he decided to do something useful and collect Margaret's stuff and the blanket.

He saw a note pad and a pencil lying there and picked them up to see if he could find something to help her. Before he was able to read anything, a glimpse of light met his eye, next to the blanket, there was a small bottle of…

_‘Oh. My. God.’_

He ran so fast he nearly fly down to post-op. “POTTER… POTTER… here!” He showed the older one the bottle as he stormed into the room.

_‘White as snow, Potter was, the only appropriate reaction to this.’_

He was dragged outside by Klinger and another corpsman, while Potter yelled orders to the medical staff.

 

***

 

_God knows he will become the madman everybody thinks he is, if she...._

 

***

 

Dragged outside and placed on a bench, he noticed he still had that note pad in his hand. He stopped dead as he read the first line.

 

“Dear Hawkeye,”

 

_‘She did not, did she?’_

 

“please don’t be mad at me. I’m just tired. Tired of my life, the war and tired of us.

I was fighting the enemy, I was fighting the death and I was fighting you, now there is no strength left to keep this all up.

Everyday I lose more. I can’t defeat it.

 

I don’t blame you, I’m sure all you did was for the best. So don’t blame yourself, please. I know you cared enough for me that you didn’t want to hurt me and that is more than I can ask for.

 

I know we are just too different.

 

I blame the war and the dead around us. No one can live in this without wishing for an end.

 

I tried to be strong but in the end I failed.

 

yours,

Margaret”

 

He cried, he just sat there crying for what felt like forever.

 

After running dry, he started pacing around the compound, restless, scared and highly confused.

 

***

 

_How could she do that? How could she leave him? Giving up is a too easy way! ‘Oh no missy you are not going to leave me here alone!’_

_He should have been honest to her earlier! But he wasn't honest to himself, how could he be to her?_

 

He just finished his, it must have been the 1000th, round as Bj came out of post-op. In an instant he was by his side.

 

“We got as much out of her system as we could but we still have to wait if it was enough. She is stable now.”

_Why was Bj so calm?_

 

He didn’t bother to answer his friend and just ran into the post-op.

 

There she was, lying on a cot, looking beautiful. There was no hint of what had happened except for the IV. He let himself drop next to her on a chair.

 

“You are not allowed to die and that is an order. Major Houlihan always follows orders. Don’t start not to, now!” He pushed her hair back. She felt warm and the feeling of her hair under his palm sent waves of this well-known feeling through him.

 

_How could he not know this was love? How could he be the biggest jackass in the world, dismissing it as a kind of ‘that’s what friends feel about each other’ thing?_

_Great Pierce, the woman has to kill herself before you are able to be honest to her and yourself._

_Someone should lock you up to save the world._

 

_*_

 

He was sitting at her bed day and night, holding her hand. He refused to eat and only slept when he collapsed in the chair with his head down on her cot.

 

_He won’t leave her! He knew Potter and Bj were worried about him but he didn’t matter at the moment!_

_‘I love you. Don’t leave without hearing me say it!’_

 

_*_

 

He woke up but couldn’t move, not even open his eyes.

 

“He was here the whole time, never left for a second.” This was Potter's voice. Some sobbing noises he couldn’t place and then he was fading away again.

 

*

 

It couldn’t have been long since he’d heard Potter’s voice, he decided but wasn’t sure. He felt Margaret’s hand moving under his and his eyes snapped open. Abruptly he pulled his head up, staring at her. She was awake, not looking at him but crying. Her body was shaking.

 

He struck the back of her hand, she seemed not to noticed.

They didn’t move for a long time, he caressed the back of her palm with his thumb in rhythmic circles.

 

_What was he supposed to do? Should he talk to her? Ask her? What the hell should he do? He was still afraid of the situation._

_‘C’mon Pierce, you are a grown-up man just tell her.’_

 

At some point she stopped crying, now just staring into space.

 

He reached up and stroke her hair back with his free hand, she jumped but then for the first time she looked at him. His heart broke immediately. There was fear, embarrassment and sadness in her eyes.

“Please, leave me alone.” She whispered in a way to calm and neutral voice.

 

“No.” he simply stated. _I never will!_

 

_‘For god’s sake, Pierce! C’mone! I will never leave you alone again, ‘cause I love you, it’s not that’s difficult to say!’_

 

She turned away, staring into space again. He moved over to sit on her cot, one hand still drawing circles on hers with the other slowly taking her jaw and turning her head towards him.

 

“I will never leave you alone again!” _At least half of the sentence. Better than nothing._

 

_All the fear and sorrows in the last days, all the ‘I should have been honest with her, earlier’ or ‘don’t go without letting me say it to you’ and now here he was, the world's biggest coward._

 

“I won’t try again.” She said as neutral as before. “You don’t have to be here.”

 

“But I want to be here.” To his surprise his voice was soft and full of love, he didn’t know he could put this amount in it.

 

He leaned down placing the softest kiss, he ever did, on her lips. They barely touched. _‘Yes he alway was better in action than with words, at least in those cases.’_   

 

She stared at him. He couldn’t figure out, if it was disbelief, anger or something else in her eyes. Minutes passed without a reaction.

He got up, walking towards the door. Suddenly, he felt very tired and defeated.

 

_One last look. He will have one final look and then it will be her turn. ‘You are still a coward!’_

 

*

 

He visited her every day, they never spoke but he was there every day.

A week later she was allowed to move into her tent again and he was there. Every day.

 

*

 

“You couldn't say it, could you?” She asked one day, as he was on his way out of her tent. The first words they spoke since he had kissed her, 16 days ago. “Not even after…”

 

“No” he looked down on the floor, voice low. _‘You screwed it again, Pierce!’_

 

Silence.

 

“I couldn’t write it either. Even though I thought I am gonna die, I couldn't tell you, you know.” She said voice as low as his.

 

_‘What the…’_

 

Two long steps and he was in front of her, taking her head in his hands to kiss her hard. All his sorrow, anger and feelings of despair that he had hidden for so long, were seeping into it. But he also felt passion and relief and love, all of it in this kiss as she kissed him back.

_‘I love you, I LOVE YOU!’_

He broke the kiss, moving a few inches away to look into her eyes.

 

“Maybe we don’t have to say it.”

 

“No, maybe not.” she simply replied.

 

He took her into his arms for another kiss. Tender. Loving.

He wanted it to last forever.

The lack of air, brought them back to the ground. _‘For god's sake, Pierce!’_

 

“Oh hell… I love you, Margaret.”

 

“And I love you.”

 

_‘At last, Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. and Mrs. I-can’t-say-it finally did. And only one of them almost died.’ Why hadn’t he been able to do this before? It was so simple now._

 

“You have to promise me something! And I won't take ‘no’ for an answer.” he said sincerely, his voice gruff. “Never ever do this to me again!”

 

“Uh?”

 

“Don’t you dare, ever leaving me alone again!”

 

She looked embarrassed but shooked her head ‘no’. He pulled her closer, as close as possible, and suddenly the world felt so much better.

 

The end!

 


End file.
